THE FUTURE?

I’ve always thought the future was something that could be methodically planned. If I sorted out the tiniest of details to be how I wanted, everything would always just fall into place for me.

And I’m really grateful for that because it has been a lot of hard work, but I definitely haven’t had to do it all on my own.

It was this kind of strategic planning that enabled me to finish my undergrad in three years.

Through constantly creating  and recreating a plan, having numerous excel spreadsheets of class schedules and course requirements, and taking one semester of summer courses, I was able to graduate from Loyola University Chicago a year early.

I remember constantly meeting with my academic advisors and any professor that would sit down with me to tweak my plan and smooth out any details. Eventually, it got to the point where one advisor just said, “I’ve got nothing for you. You’ve got the plan, and you could probably be doing my job with the amount of organising you did for this.”

Having control over my future was comforting. It allowed me to be grateful for the present while constantly looking toward the future. But constantly planning and expecting things to fall into place just because it follows a plan is stressful and a bit unrealistic.

I remember discussing my plans in therapy one day. I was explaining how I was trying to balance everything during my last semester at Loyola.

I was the Vice President of Recruitment for my sorority, I was writing a capstone/thesis paper, I was interning at the German-American Cultural Centre, and I was also doing an internship working for Loyola’s History department supervised by some of the academics that helped shape my undergraduate years.

And through all of this, I was also applying to graduate school. (Something I definitely decided on late and somehow managed to pull off in time.)

I remember sitting across from my therapist and explaining all this and trying to piece together where everything went. But he suddenly stopped me and looked at me.

Then he asked me a question that I’ve never forgotten: “Gabbi, where does it all stop?”

I remember being dumbfounded by the question. I hadn’t taken the time to consider where the planning ended and where I finally got to be proud of myself and my accomplishments.

Now I constantly pass on this bit of advice.

Because we are constantly going, going, going. We’re looking at our peers and comparing ourselves, or we’re looking at our idols and comparing ourselves. We’re doing so much that we aren’t taking the time to check in with ourselves.

If you’re constantly planning, you’re sometimes forgetting to live.

When I look at the future, honestly, I’m a bit afraid. It is now this vast and unknown void where I don’t know where I belong. I, for once, don’t seem to have a plan of what I want nor do I have the steps in place to find out what I want.

For so long, I’ve had such a vivid plan. I knew the majority of my skills and I managed to always find a way to work my passion projects into my more academic and professional journey.

But right now, it doesn’t feel that simple.

So many of my memories from York are more than just academic.

It feels like that I’ve been working toward something for so many years, and now I’m not sure what the end goal is. When I graduated in 2017, I imagined that the ‘end’ would be getting a PhD and then working in either some kind of museum or teaching.

I always imagined academic life as something for me. Because I’ve always been so fascinated with educators and ‘experts’; there’s something so incredible about watching someone else do what they love.

After finishing my Master of Arts in Medieval Studies, I don’t feel quite as confident in my future in academia. I know, mainly from other students’ and academics’ social media profiles, that I’m not alone in this feeling of imposter syndrome.

But I also need to stop and think about what makes me happy. And, right now, I don’t know if academia would make me happy.

Most of my life, I’ve felt like that person who was moderately good at a number of things, but was never really good at any one thing. For the most part, I’ve used this to my advantage. It also helps that I pick up learning things rather quickly and genuinely enjoy doing new things.

But whenever it comes to thinking about the future and planning, I find myself getting stuck, which is an entirely new thing for me that I don’t enjoy.

I look through job advertisements and only see where I don’t fit the criteria. I see where I need to improve, and I think about how much learning I would need to do on the job in order to feel like I was successfully and competently doing my job.

Even when good friends send me possible jobs, I am almost immediately plagued with thoughts, such as: I’m not qualified enough to do that. They just believe in me because they’re my friends. ‘Real’ professionals wouldn’t give me the opportunity because I don’t have the ‘right’ experience on my resume or high enough marks.

To be honest, I think that New Year’s Resolutions are dumb. If I want to make a change in my life, I try to take it as a day-to-day thing, not just something starting on January 1st of every year.

But if there’s one thing that I want to try and implement this year, it’s being less afraid of the future and more confident in my own abilities.

Finally, this blog post isn’t meant to fish for compliments. I’m not looking for y’all to send me messages about how competent you think I am or anything like that.

But I am so often told that it looks like I’ve got my life together. The truth is… I don’t.

So I thought I would offer you a look into my life and my own thoughts about the future because it’s scary for everyone. Even people who seem to have it all figured out.

If you take anything from this post, my lovelies, I hope that you realise that it’s okay to be scared of the future. But it’s also important to cherish the present and not constantly focus on the future. Know your worth and don’t compromise it with your own self-doubt.

I hope that 2019 brings you nothing but good vibes and positivity.

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A few last minute general thank yous for 2018.

Thank you to everyone that has shared their time with me during my time in York. I have grown through your expertise and watching you do what you love. Thank you for taking a chance on me and letting me learn.

Thank you to everyone that has supported me. You somehow manage to keep me humble and also make me feel incredibly good about myself every day.

Thank you to everyone that has struggled with me this past year. Your struggles will be worth it, and 2019 is the year for you to reap the rewards of your struggles.

Thank you to everyone that challenged me this past year. Whether you meant to be constructive or not, I have learned plenty about myself through the challenges I faced both personally and professionally.

All in all, thank you. x